Trials aren’t counted by how many it may be but it is counted on how hard it is to deal with. I have been in a stage where I should give up but despite of me having an alcoholic husband, a grandmother who’s suffering of Alzheimer’s disease, a mother who has a heart ailment and a daughter who’s always ill due to asthma, I am trying my best to be as strong as possible. October 28, 2008, just last Wednesday, my daughter had asthma attack that I have to take her to the hospital. I was so caring when it comes to her, I don’t let her run around, always check her back if she’s sweating and I never forget her medications, But still destiny is testing my strength. I am nearly to cry just by typing this, I have just solve my problem with my husband and my grandmother is not worse than before, I cannot say she’s improving since dementia has no cure, but she is coping up, my mom is doing great and oh my dad is coming home this November, but now… my daughter, my two years old baby, is in the hospital being cured. I think that God isn’t going to stop until He sees me growing more and stronger… But isn’t this enough?

My daughter has tubes connected to her body, oxygen, dextrose and well, I don’t know what it’s called, it’s a device to navigate her heartbeat. I nearly fainted when they run tests on my daughter, I told the doctor she’s just having a usual asthma attack but still they run blood test, skin testing for her meds, x-ray, urine test and even stool test thought the last three isn’t worth fainting for but blood test on my baby is not really a cherry on top of a sundae for me. She was crying and holding my hand when they extract blood from her finger. She even told me to get them stop cause it hurts so much. When she calmed, I look at her and again tears fell to my cheeks, my heart is thumping so fast as I look at her and I prayed again to God and prayed hard to give her health. Then I asked myself, Am I a bad mother that my baby suffers like this? I do things a mother would do for her baby; I never put any other things first but her. When my husband and I had problems worry more about my baby than myself. She’s the number one reason why I chose to stay home and work home. Why are all of these happening to me? Then I recall the sermon on last Sunday’s mass, that if you are being tested you will in return receive a blessing more than you are expecting. And also I recall the story of the parable of the beach ball which a friend online asks me to read. I was being shoved to the bottom of the pool and still I find my way to the top. Maybe, just maybe, I will be able to find my way on the top and regain my strength but it seems like it was just yesterday when I encountered a trial, now that I am trying to stand up another trial is pushing me to drop down again. I am sorry for those who find my blog not that interesting anymore for I am always posting blogs about how complicated my life is. Well, I can’t get this out of my chest unless I write it down and let it all out. As I’ve told you before, my life is an open book.

October 30, 2008; still my daughter isn’t doing well. She barely asks for milk and is always vomiting even though she’s not eating anything. The doctor says it is normal for she is just undergoing the hard part of being ill. Oh how I wish I will just exchange places with my daughter in that case she won’t feel the pain.

October 31, 2008; she asks for a bottle of milk, I was so excited that I even dropped her canister. Oh what a mother would ask only for her daughter to be well again. She was giving signs of development. Thank God.

November 1, 2008; it was Halloween and we are in the hospital. When I went home to get some things needed in the hospital I entered my grandmother’s room and saw her talking with Janice, her caregiver for the mean time, she was looking for me all the time asking Janice if she would tell her where to look. I went straight to her bed and kissed her forehead. She amazingly recognizes me and even scolds me for not tending her. I told her my baby was ill and she reached for her purse where only old coins were kept, since her money is being saved in the bank in case of emergency, she gave it to me and told me to go buy some medicine for my baby. My heart sank and I hugged her. She whispers; “if only I am young again, I could help you take care of her in the hospital.” For a while she was herself! That day was a miracle between me and my grandmother. I realized that even if the disease is eating her brain and took her memories away, in her heart stayed memories any disease cannot alter, memories of being a mother, a grandmother, and a woman.

When I went back to the hospital, my daughter greeted me with a smile and my husband who was tending her at the moment was asleep with his hand on my daughter’s. What a scenario and what a day it was.

November 2, 2008, today, the doctor said that my daughter will be discharge from the hospital on Tomorrow, since she is doing quite well now. And indeed, everything went just fine!

I thought life is over... I really did attempt to just be free and get away from all the problems and responsibilities I have. But thank you for those people especially those who commented on my last blog and helped me. After those wonderful comments I have received, I came up with a decision. This would either do me good or make the situation worst. But I am ready in anything that might happen. One thing is for sure. I am much stronger now and I promise myself never to cry again.

I tell you now that God really finds a way to lightened loads that we are carrying. I felt so weak the past few days. Some good friends of mine online told me to go seek for help and I did. I even phoned my best friend and told her what is going on in my life right now and that I badly need some helping hands... my best friend asked me to dinner at their house and asked her cousin (a caregiver) to take care of my grandmother and help my mother out at home for a night. I brought my daughter to my cousins’ house as well.
When we got to Leah's house (best friend), I saw our friends whom I haven't seen in a while. And to my surprise, ex-best friend from high school was there. Ex-best friend, because we had a great fight in senior years which led us both being suspended, from then on we never talk nor seen each other. It's been a long while... the house was full of confusion, coldness when I entered, some eyes were exclaiming how they feel about my current situation and some eyes were only looking for a sign of anger and me leaving the room. I didn't leave the room; instead I try as hard as I could to maintain myself and not to burst out crying. Dinner was over when we agreed to drink some wine and talk about things. To be specific it’s about me. Then a hand touched mine telling me to go outside for someone is waiting to talk to me. I didn't notice that Marisol the ex-best friend was there outside with Leah the whole time I was stating my situation to my friends. I went outside the house and saw her (Marisol) smiling at me. We didn't say any word but;"it's been a long while huh!?!" and then hugged each other. I feel so light that time... I felt that the one big dagger that is in my heart for a very long time was dissolving and turning into a feeling... a feeling I never felt for a long time... happiness.
After that night I went home and saw my husband at the doorstep just there, staring at the door... crying. He said he only went there to get his things that he needs to be away from us as far as possible cause he needs to find himself and start over. I hold his hand and told him I will help him to change, I don't know what's gotten into me when I said that. But something inside me is telling me to help him. We went inside and I gave him something to eat since he told me he didn't eat dinner yet. I asked him if he would like me to help him and we will attend counseling and a program for alcoholics. And he said yes. For the first time he agreed on seeking help. That night I let him sleep in the other room I gave him some hot milk and tucked him to bed like a kid. He fell asleep right away .His eyes were very tired I can tell. My daughter even peek into the room and smiled when she saw her dad.
I went in my mom's room and told her about all of the things that happened to me that night. She said it would be a great help for me if she would hire someone to sit grandma.
My daughter who was afraid the dark slept with the lights off. When I went to peek at her room she told me that she is now safe because now the family is complete. A tear rolled on my cheek. That night changed my life completely...
I went back in the room where my husband sleeps and pull a chair next to him. As I was staring at him, I prayed... I thanked God for that night. And asked Him to help my husband.
7:00am.
Morning and I fixed breakfast for the family. Everybody was feeling great that day. My grandmother wasn’t giving me a hard time feeding her. My daughter ate all her meal and my husband ate twice the usual breakfast he takes. After breakfast my mom played the piano. A serene Monday for me.
10:00 am. I phoned Mina, Leah’s cousin to look after my grandma again. Me and my husband fixed ourselves and went to Doctor Bringas for a recommendation for his program. And went to a “Pancitan” a restaurant who serves noodles and only noodles. I never did this in a long time…. I miss it so much. My heart is feeling a lil bit funny and I was smiling all the time. My daughter’s eyes were filled with happiness too. And my husband? Well, he was acting like the same person I’ve met 5 years before, when we were still girlfriends, boyfriends. We drive to Vigan after that and attended the marriage counseling with Doctor Cee.
We are supposed to return every Saturday. And my husband will attend his program after his work. I hope this will work out for us. And I hope you guys will understand the decisions I’ve made. Things are happening so fast… but I hope this happiness in me will last…
Thank you very much for those who posted comments on my last post. It did me a great help and made me stronger to face my problems.
For those who commented and helped me out a little thank you located at my side bar. To JG I will thank you here sincé you didn't leave any back link. thank you...