BODY AND SOUL: Sex secrets of the bitch and lamest

Posted by queenmadison


YOU'VE met a potential date online. Their picture passes muster, they seem quite sane and their interests are in line with yours. But what does: Manly, bubbly or adventurous really mean online?
First, the unquestionably hardest to understand. Women:
Adorable:
She'll be forever showing you pictures of fluffy kittens on her mobile phone and, on your first date, will have given pet names to all your fingers before the main course arrives.
Curvy: Fat. Forget any silly notions of Marilyn Monroe. This girl is more pint glass than hourglass.
Voloptuous: Fat and shows too much flesh in clothes two sizes too small for her.
Bubby: Fat AND annoying. Tries to make up for her ample size by being the life and soul of the party and fails in all respects.
Cuddly: Morbidly obese. A date would necessitate the removal of the roof and a whale sling. BBW: Stands for 'big, beautiful woman'. Well, two out of three's not bad. She's certainly big and female.
Size 10: In Uzbekistan.
Fiery: Psychotic.Cancel a date with this girl and you'll come home to find your car has been keyed and all the sleeves have been cut off your shirts.
Vivacious: Aggressive. An opinionated finger-jabber.
Great personality: Ugly as sin. If a woman is selling her personality, then her face looks good in a paper bag.
Artistic: Drama Queen. Welcome to a world of slamming doors, smashed crockery and huffy silences.
Athletic and toned: Flat chested and shapeless. A sexless, lumpless and bumpless Tomboy.
Age 34: Age 43. There's more chance of winning the Lottery on a double rollover week than there is of being a woman over 35 and getting a date on the internet
Playful: Hussy. Working her way through the internet site and it's your turn.
Girly: Thick. Shallower than a mouse's foot bath. High School Musical is her idea of high brow.
Lives life to the full: Alcoholic. Likes to start the day with a couple of Bacardi Breezers. Happy Hour is her favourite time of day.
I'm into whirl-wind romances: My visa runs out in 10 days and if I don't get married I'll be deported.
Challenging: High-maintenance pain in the neck.
Homely: Frump. You want to paint the town red and she'll want you to paint her living room beige.
Loyal: Stalker. She'll have Googled you and looked you up on Friends Reunited before you eve meet. Her brain cannot process the words: 'I don't think you're quite right for me.'
Likes the finer things in life: Gold digger. Looking for a new wardrobe, jewellery and a few weekends away before she dumps you for a 25-year-old Adonis.
Honest: No social skills. The censorship button in her brain doesn't work. Says whatever comes into her head.
Sensitive: Cry baby. Woe betide you if you don't notice she's had her hair cut or that she's wearing new shoelaces.
And the secrets of men:
Attractive
: Plain. Everyone in online dating is 'attractive.' In the real world it means 'pleasant to look at' - in the internet-speak it means: two eyes, two ears and a mouth.
Fairly attractive: Gutchurningly hideous. When he's not even claiming to be attractive, it's time to worry.
Told attractive: By my mother, the only woman I've every loved or am ever likely to.
Discretion advised: I'm married and don't want my wife to know.
Discretion offered: I don't care if you're married too.
Modern man: We'll be splitting the bill 50/50. I go on three of these internet dates a week. So unless you're a sure thing you pay for your own dinner.
Not just looking for sex: I am just looking for sex but hope you won't see through my cunning reverse psychology.
Willing to travel: Lives in a filthy flea-ridden hovel that he can't possibly let you see.
Adventurous: Pervert. He can turn anything into a double entendre. On a date he'll order graphically named cocktails.
Normal kind of guy: Normal in a Norman Bates kind of way. Normality should be a given, so run a mile from anyone selling it as a good point.
GSOH (Good sense of humour): The golden rule of internet dating is that anyone who feels obliged to mention they have a sense of humour is usually devoid of one.
Earns a six-figure salary: Yes, he does. But he includes pence in that figure.
Fun and zany: Mental age of a 12-year-old. Your date will be a riot of whoopee cushions, itching powder and fake-dogpoo-filled fun.
Looks not important: Barrel-scraping beggar who can't afford to be a chooser.
Sporty: I watched the Olympics and play snooker for the local pub team.
Unique: Sex change. Best not to hang around long enough to find out whether it's pre op or post op.
Old fashioned: Male chauvinist pig. A woman's place is in the home and, more precisely, the kitchen.
Traditional: Patronising. He'll order for you in a restaurant and pat you on the bottom and say 'don't you worry your pretty head about it' when you ask him about his day.
Manly: Hairy. Only to be pursued if you like men who moult all over your furniture.
Distinguished: Old. Speak slowly and clearly and always be within five minutes of a toilet.
Independent: Lying, cheating commitment-phobic scum.
Unconventional: Insane. The sort of person you cross the road to avoid, even if the road is the M1 in the rushhour.
Aspirational: Broke. He has lofty ideas, but not a penny to his name.
Romantic: Oily creep. The flowers come from the garage forecourt and he calls you 'babe' or 'sweetheart' because he can't remember your name.