PLEASE HELP ME.

Posted by queenmadison

I don't know how to be private.My life is an open book. I only keep my problems when I know I can solve it in the long run. But now I have no idea on how to even face my problems. I am a young mother and a young wife as well. I thought that I could make my married life as normal as possible. But being too young to know things isn't really helping. My husband isn't doing his job. I am always cleaning up every mess he makes. I have to admit that yes, I am a nagger, a person who always in a red mood. It is because I am the one working and taking care of our daughter at the same time. I am working online btw. Also taking care of my grandmother. So I do things at home. My husband? well, today he has a job tomorrow he is fired, that is his kind of living. And he is always drunk. I am desperate. I need help. that's why I am posting this right now. Blogging is the only way that eases my heartaches and pain inside.
I wrote him a letter last night, he haven't read it yet because he didn't came home. But on that letter I told him that I need a rest and that we have to separate. Am i doing the right thing? I want to help him but it seems that he doesn't want to help himself. I am tired of giving him chances to build our marriage again. I am tired of arguing on how we can feed ourselves. Too tired to think of any way but to break up with him and that is for good. If anyone would read this, please I need someone to talk to. I need some advice. I need help. I am crying right now just posting this. I still love him though he's like that. I miss the man who used to love and takes care of me.I miss the times he was still responsible and knows how to help me when I needed help. Now I feel so alone. Betrayed. I feel so pathetic just posting this. I want to go out and smell the fresh air outside or to find myself but because I have so much responsibilities at home I can't. My grandmother needs me because she is suffering dementia, My mother also needs me because she has a weak heart,My niece needs me because she has no one to cling to, and my daughter needs me because I am her mother. I am the one cleaning, cooking, taking care of my family and desperately earning some extra money online. I feel so weak now...

19 comments:

Sandi said...

It seems your husband has some serious issues. You are right. You are not wrong in this. It seems he is not doing his part. Let me first say, I have yet to meet a man who isn't lazy around the house. haha But he should be doing his part, earning money and keeping your family fed. He needs to contribute and him being drunk and not coming home means he is not doing his job. I think a trial seperating could be what makes him realize what he's doing. He seems to need help. I think you probably should seperate at least for awhile. Let him know what's in your heart and tell him he needs to change or you are done. If he sees you are serious, I think he'll either change or you will divorce. Either way, you aren't happy with how things are now and he can't keep getting fired and drunk. That's no way to raise a family. My heart goes out to you.

JG said...

I'm not one to meddle, but since you asked, here are a couple of my thoughts. Since I don't know you, I will speak in general terms.

You didn't say why your husband is drinking. Maybe it's a cultural thing. Maybe he thinks it's the manly thing to do. Perhaps, he drinks because he is ashamed of not being the husband that he knows you need him to be. I think that writing the letter was a good thing. I am not saying to keep giving him chances, as it sounds like you have already given him some chances to turn his life around. What I am saying is that you shouldn't give up. Sometimes a separation is just what a failing marriage needs to jump start it. Be firm, but don't be mean. Maybe he needs to know that you are there for him and love him no matter what. How ever things end up, try to keep the lines of communication open, and if you can, try to get some counseling...marriage counseling for you both and drug/alcohol counseling/treatment for him. He could go to Alcoholics Anonymous (http://www.aa.org) to help him break his addiction to alcohol. There is also a support group called Al-Anon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/) for people like you who have family members who are alcoholics.

One last word of advice: Do not let him physically or verbally abuse you. Domestic violence often occurs in homes where one or more family member is constantly drinking. If he hits you or always screams at you and belittles you, either leave or kick him out. You do not deserve to be mistreated, no matter what anyone says. You are the daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves you, not to mention your daughter, grandmother and mother who love you and depend on you. You have a divine nature and you do not deserve to be treated badly. You may think that you are so young, and surely 21 is young to be facing such things, but I have seen young mothers such as yourself keep things going and pull it off despite not feeling like they were up to the task. It's good to have a partner who does his share, but you can do. God knows your limits and he will not put more on you than you can handle. That which doesn't kill you, as the saying goes, will only make you stronger, and though it seems like this is too much right now, you will look back and see that you made it through and were all the stronger because of having done it.

About taking care of your family...I think that it is admirable that you are taking on the burden of caring, not only for your child, but also your mother and grandmother. Don't feel like you have to do it all by yourself. Get help from your other family members (sisters, brothers, aunts, cousins) to help out. You can also get in touch with your religious community to help (not just the priest/pastor, but also other church members) and ask your neighbors for help. While they might not be able to do everything, in your situation, every little bit helps. Even if someone were to come and sit with your grandmother and daughter while you went to market to buy groceries or made dinner, it would help.

Regarding your blog and making money online, your profile says that you are located in the Philippines. There is a large community of Pinoy bloggers, and they seem to be quite close knit. If I were you, I would reach out to them as they might be able to help you find more local resources to help with your blog, or perhaps they could direct your to business opportunities more locally available. For example, the might know of something similar to Etsy.com in the Philippines. Maybe they know of something that you could sell like Mary Kay, Pampered Chef, Tupperware or Stampin It Up. Whatever they suggest, I am sure the Pinoy blogging community can help your website and business.

I hope this helps. I will be praying for you and your family. -JG

queenmadison said...

thank you for the advices... I am really touched and I am now making myself to proudly face my problems. It's so good to have someone listen to me only even online. I think that it is indeed better for me to seek help for my ailing grandmother, mother and my husband. I am really in need of someone aight now. Thank you for being there.

Laane said...

Hi!

I hope you feel a bit better after these helpfull comments.

Reaching out in a blog can be the first step towards bettering your life's circumstances.

Reaching out offline is another step.
Maybe there's a women's organisation, a church, or some other facility you can go to for a talk and then go forward from there?

I hope you realise that women are much stronger than they think.
We have so much reserve in us.
Don't feel victim to the circumstances, because that empowers others to make decisions for you.
You are very capable to make your own decisions and when you feel that, you radiate that.

I wish you lots of strength.

Anonymous said...

Read the parable of the beach ball...

http://www.lettersfromthesoul.com/2008/05/09/parable-of-the-beach-ball/

Chin up! Hang in there. Things will get better.

queenmadison said...

again thank you very much for those touching comments. I really appreciate them. I don't feel so left out now that I know that some people knows how I really feel right now...thank you guys! you are the best friends online.

Robyn said...

I didn't want to read your heartfelt cry for help and not comment but I think all the best advice has already been given. I just wanted to say good luck and people are thinking of you.

Dori said...

I also think that the other commenters have already given you some great advice. But I just wanted to say, hold onto who "you" are within and draw strength from that. And my dear, you are certainly not alone...even as virtual friends online, we are always here. Keep your head up sister. :-)

ZEPHYR said...

It seems you're in The Philippines, is that right? In Manila? If so I know a fellow British lady, a long term resident of Manila, who is great at giving practical advice. Please let me know if I may pass her your email, and if she agrees, she may contact you. I hope things work out for you. Mike in Kuala Lumpur. My contact email is mike[AT]makingdollars4u[DOT]com.

Mountain Woman said...

My heart goes out to you and you are in my prayers. I urge you to find someone you can talk to, someone you respect or go to an agency that helps to counsel people who need help. You need to find a shoulder to cry on and someone to help you through a difficult time in your life.

Sam said...

Hi, I hope your doin' great right now. Regarding with your concern.

If your spouse is an abuser, get as far away as possible from him. I don't agree that your going to separate with him right away. But don't live on the same roof with your husband until he gets help and gets healed.

I'll inform you when I post my story that could help you somehow.


Show Me Your Interest

Jacqueline said...

Hope things are getting better for you and you're strong enough to make a decision which is good for your overall health.

Laura-Junkfoodaholic.com said...

Sorry to hear you're having trouble. I think you're doing the right thing (separating from your husband). He obviously has a drinking problem and if he isn't being any help to you (financially, domestically, or emotionally), then he's just another burden on your already heavy shoulders. Remember the saying, "This too shall pass." Things will get better - keep your head up! :) I'll leave you with one of my favorite scriptures:

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you, and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26

jong said...

You are one tough one woman for having to face all this..

I believe that you should do what make you happy. Doing the things you do, keeping the house, taking care of you baby, grandmother etc., is not easy. And obviously your husband is irresponsible.

I must admit though that separation in the Philippines is really hard. There is no divorce and what is available is annulment and legal separation. ITs hard but is still possible.From what you've written i think it is already a ground for legal separation. I hope you all the best.

Natural said...

wow, it's tough when you have marital problems...there's a lot of that going around. i won't give advice, but maybe marriage counseling will help so that you can get to the root of your issues. the many problems that crop up in a relationship are symptoms of some underlying problem. try to find out what that is and what can be done as a family to fix that.

thesnackhound said...

You are trying to take care of everyone but yourself. I suggest you read or listen to the tapes of a book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. I don't know if you are Christian (this is the firsr post i read from you) but it has a christian basis. I have found out myself that all the people dumping on me was because i had no boundaries, i was codependent and always was trying to compensate for everyone else.

The one that REALLY needs you to take care of her is your daughter. I know its culturally the thing to do to take care of mom and grandma, but there is a difference between looking out for their interests, giving them advice as a good daughter, and being at their beck and call.

I think that its not just about your husband. Because being as things are, things will not get better. It is just going to be the same things repeated over and over just minus the husband, but with new people.

pkay said...

Just stopped by to drop on the entrecard and I couldn't help to read your blog. I understand where you are coming from. Being a mom, wife, self-employed person, and all much more. Yes, I have battled these same kind of issues. But I have to agree jg, look at the situation. There have been some great advice here. Soak them in and listen to your heart. Keep the faith and believe in your dreams and it will work out. Hope all the best for you.

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Oh, man. I feel bogged down just reading this post, and I'm not even you!

I think you're doing the right thing by forcing him to address the drinking. I know of women who've had to throw their husbands out of the house before the men shaped up and dried out. I hope your man does the same.

Remember to take care of yourself, first. It's hard, but what good are you to any of these other people if you aren't at the top of your game? Not just your mom, but your CHILD needs you. Be your best and if that means saying no or making unpopular decisions, so be it.

Stay strong. You CAN weather this storm. I promise.

minor8 said...

wow some of the comment was too long for me not to read it.. anyway this is only what i want to tell maybe you dont have time to read this btw being a husband at the age of 25 things are not easy... sometimes people need to breakup... so they can grow-up